WOW

How stupid I can be sometimes. 

Today I been doing nothing. We went to the market and got out veggies and fruits for the week. After that it haven't happen anything. I been lying in the sofa, doing what? 

watching Grand design, nothing else, reading some blogs. Fine to start with,  but after some time big bored and started to feel bit stressed. 

Why on earth am I lying here, just doing nothing. Wasting time, when I could clean, sew, run or do anything. 

My husband playing and hanging out with the Little girl, making me not need to think about her either. 

Gosh  I was stressed and starting to get bored and turning almost angry, as we where just in the house doing NOTHING. 

Interrupting my husband, nagging that we should do something, anything that we just can't be inside. Yes it's dark but we can't stop live. 

And I don't know, in a split of a second I heard myself, and stopped and thought. Thought about all the times when I thought about just lying in the sofa for the day, watching movies and doing nothing else. What I have been tired of all the cleaning and sewing and fixing, wishing the husband to take the girl out so I can just be here, watching movies. 

Why what the hell am I complaining for_?!?!?

Yes that hit me, what am I complaining for, I can actually do this I wanted for AGES. 

So I decided to be fine with it, went back in the sofa, got more comfy and will continue see GRAND DESIGN. 

The mother issue

One thing you shouldn't, couldn't and mustn't is talking about another persons child. If you do so, that mother will most probably so offended, angry and sad that you forever will be crossed from the friend list. 

"How dare she talk about me and how I raise my children, she/he doesn't even have some"

The saying that " a mother always know the best", which I think if interesting. Why just the mother, why not the father? 

And why should I know the best? Because I squeezed her out? Just because of that I don't know all about child developing, and stuff. 

I did use to think so as well, as I had the feeling that I "should" feel so.

But I can't, I want people to tell me if they think I can do something better. 

I don't believe that we all know what's best, in that case it wouldn't be so many children eating MacDonlads, drinking Coca Cola and watching movies, as I don't think that that could be any way good. And so many are doing it. 

So we don't know, and I think it silly of people to think that they are all knowing people. Parents. 

Help me! I love when people give me hints and ideas, I take that I think it the best of them.  

And the parent out there, don't take it as criticism see it as a help on the way.  

PT, Baby gym and fixing clothes

I wrote about me wanting a PT, some time ago, as I don't really know how to work out, and how much, and when etc etc. 

And now I got one! I am very VERY excited to have this girl. 

I have made so much progress since I started to work out regularly. Now it will be even better, and more visible changes.  

Today we went to a "baby gym", my girl and I. Terrible, TERRIBLE, she was not in the mood. She was terrified, screamed, cried, kicked, jumped away.
I was furiously angry when we left, upset that she had misbehaved so much. Had bad lunch and was angry and upset, until I came home, had a coffee and sat by the sewing machine. 

Then I relaxed and could see it from her point of view. 

First time, new things, new people, close to nap time and lunch time. 

So not so strange. The instructor gave us a new trial time, which was so lovely to do. So thursday we'll try again. 

And while she was sleeping, and I sewing I redid a sweater, ugly old sweater that I never used. Now it's nice, and funky and much more cool. 

Will show tomorrow, when light is better and I can take a picture. 

What have you done today?

Tought times are upon me #2

I've a friend in Sweden, she told me a story once. It was about when she was a small child, and about her mother. 

This friend was a very easy child, like an angel until one day. Her mother thought that she was possessed by a devil, as she turned from an angel, to a devil. 

I always thought that was a weird story. How in the hell could she believe that, possessed by a devil. 

But I understand. Today I understand. Today I've cried almost like a small child. As I don't know what to do, or how to do anything. 

Bigger doubt about myself in the role as a mother, I've never had. Maybe I'm not that good mother that I try to be. 

Maybe I don't give her as much as she needs, as everything I do just  turn wrong. 

And somewhere I hear the voice of people saying that it's just a phase, if I keep being strong it will just pass and she will be good. 

But how easy is it to be strong and keep it up, when there aren't anyone to turn to. no one to ask for help and some hours or a day of relief, to get energy and power to keep doing the nice things, and keep the calm voice when being with her. 

Today I've been hit, pinched, kicked, screamed at, thrown things on. ( Have a big bump on my fore head.)

Outside cinema

Yesterday evening, we spent outside. Means summer isn't gone. We went to one of the parks in Vinohrady and watched a movie. 

Was very nice, rather romantic. 

The little girl sleeping in the stroller, all dressed up in blankets. 

Us sitting sipping a beer, watching the movie. 

And all for free!

Fantastic city!

All my mothers

When I was a kid, a small girl. Can't been more then 7, I had three mothers. 

One, my mother

second, my god mother

third, a woman that was a family friend. 

Sometimes I just couldn't decide which one of them that I loved the most. I have this really strong memory, it was when my youngest sister got baptist. 

For one second I was in the arms of mother, but then I remembered the god mother and had to run to her, and then the other woman was there and needed to run to her. 

And like that I kept going on, as I felt an equally strong love to them all. 

The third woman moved to Africa, and I remembered that my biggest wish was to go and visit them. always looked forward for their visits, as I finally would meet her again. 

And while they still lived in Sweden I just sometimes joined them, to their home, as I wanted to be with her. 

Some of the gifts, I still have with me, standing in the window. 

The second one, she always came and saw me on my birthday, or gave me a gift. 

We went to mass, and she went there as well. When we where old enough, my parents asked us all if we wanted to continue to join for the mass, or if we wanted to stay home. 

I always came, but only to see her. It was a comfort to have her close. 

Was always happy when she came ans saw us. 

When I was 13 the second mother died. I went to the funeral all alone. And I will never forget that, one one at all to be comfort from. No one of the people there, asking who I was, what I did there and how I was. This small little girl. 

And the third woman less and less came to visit. 

And I was so often sad about it, as she was fantastic. 

I have a child, I have a child that have other woman, and men as well, very close. 

I will try to have them in her life. I want to be able to call her "aunt and uncles" and be with them. 

I want all to be her family, as it was wonderful to have my three mothers. 

  

Anniversary II

Two years ago my husband was going to have a birthday party. His birthday is the 18th of august, but he wanted to wait until the weekend to celebrate it, so we would have the part the 21st. 

The day came, and I had a bit silly feeling about it. first as my husband wanted me to get some new nice dress. Go to the hairdresser, new shoes and be all pretty. 

He had get some really new nice clothes and I did think he looked beautiful, but a bit to much for a birthday party.

I also felt bad, as I hadn't prepared anything for the party, we where gonna have it in a friends place. AS I was pregnant, and shouldn't think of cleaning up and preparing anything.

But felt stupid. 

The morning came and we had nice breakfast and I bought him flowers. It was his birthday celebrations day. 

I called a friend to see if she could help me go to a hairdresser and get my hair done. All in last minute. 

She manage the thing and also a makeup artist. 

I thought that was bit to silly, as it actually only was a birthday party. 

I went to hairdresser, got my makeup done and came home to get dressed as we where tight on schedule. Something that my husband never really cared about before. 

He wanted a walk in the park before, as he thought we where so pretty and we should show it to people. 

As we walked out, I thought I looked silly. Somehow I was all dressed in white, and it was a bit to much I thought. Come on, it was just a bday part!

As we came to the park, bu feet had already swollen to double size and I was incredible thirsty. 

I started to nag och my husband, as I needed water and that we went wrong way. To go to his friend we needed to go the other way. 

I nagged and nagged, until the point that I was almost to angry and wanted to shout at him that we went wrong, my feet hurt and I was to warm. 

Then I saw them. 

Sergio's friends, and mine as well. 

What did my friend from Geneva do here in Prague?

What did the paople do there in the park at all.We where supposed to meet them in a flat. We changed to plan, we're gonna have a pic nic?

Why where there music there. And all was so nice dressed. 

And there was a white alter there. 

What was going on??

It was my wedding day!

I just didn't know about it! 

:D

It was the most beautiful thing that anyone ever done to me. And it was the most beautiful wedding!

We went to restaurant to have some cheese plates and champagne.

The traditional czech soup, where you have to feed the partner. 

It was a magical day. As when we wanted to make a toast, the boats where honking, as if they knew and wanted to greet us. 

When we left the restaurant, the fire works light up the sky, as if it was planned. 

And the taxi driver in the mornig gave us a horse shoe, as for the good luck. 

It's hanging over our door, as a memory and good luck. 

A memory if a beautiful day, that I think will be in all our heart for ever. 

Thank You My Love. 

I Love YOU

The voice

Is very important. With the voice we do communicate and let people know what we want and feel. 

he hard thing though is that we do have different tones on our voices. 

Apparently I have a very hard and harsh tone. More then one time, has my friends asks me if I'm angry at them. As it sounds like that in the phone. 

And I try to think about it, as it's not to good to sound like that. 

And apparently is't troubling for my husband as well, still after 3 years he can't understand that it's my voice. And it's starting to be rather enough for me as well. 

AS I do not think it's fun to always be " accused" if being angry and bitchy. 

So what to do, I try to think about it, as much as possible, but it's hard to change my voice. I can remember it one second but when talking my natural one is just coming.

According to me, I talked in a nice way. To others I sounded angry. 

Im getting to tired of hearing this all the time. 

      

The summer project

Being here, in Sweden at the country side, can be somewhat long. 

I have no car, so can't just go somewhere, and there are barely any buses to take me anywhere. 

So most of the time, I help out here at the house. Doing things that they have been talking about for as long as I almost can remember. 

My mother has always wanted a bigger patio, is hasn't really been any...

So this summer I helped out to do the patio. 

Me digging out the soil, to make the patio bigger. 

My little girl helping out as well!

Here you can see the are where the "old patio" where. I have taken out the old stone plates. 

We needed to do that, to cover the sand with a special plastic cover, so the weed don't start o grow. 

The back with sand and plates again. 

And here we are today!

You can see the plastic cover for the soil, in the edges of the coming patio. 

We dig it out, and filled it again with lots and lots of sand. 

That is heavy to pull, I can promise you!

Here you can somewhat see how it will look like. 

In the end, it will almost be twice as broad as before!

Don't believe that I've done it all myself, I haven't! 

But I've been apart in all the processes and have done a lot.  

2 year old

I don't have one, but it can surely feel like that sometimes. 

The stories I've heard about the terrible two's, well they do exist. It's No, No, No, NOO all the time. 

It's throwing things and lying on the floor and shout and cry. 

Not all the time, but enough for me to start worrying for when she really getting older. 

just to stay positive and show who is the boss, just that some days are hard to maintain my sanity :)

Nieces

I have nieces visiting from Sweden here. 

After a tough start on the day, me being terribly tired it has just gone better.

Went swimming, fabric looking, and taco cooking. 

And a happiness, that my little girl get to know her cousins better, 

If it was spring and warm,  I would take them to the zoo. Don't feel like that in this cold. 

Any ideas?

going home

So now we have two more days to go, then we're going back to Czech Republic. 

It is with mixed feelings actually. On one hand I am glad, as I can do as I please again. Do my things. 

On the other hand, I feel sad. Sad as I from time to time here, have had it hard to fit in, and the one who has been the one that has been my punch bag has been my husband. And he has felt bad. And I feel so sorry for how I have been, when I have had these bad days. 

I feel so stupid, that I have made his hometrip, first one after 3 years not as good as he wanted. Not a relaxing and fun. 

I am sorry, that I can't see all the good things, at all times. 

That even if disappointments, over missed travels or loneliness is not the  end of the world,and that I should see positive. 

But I haven't been able to do so, not at all times. And it have hurt us here. 

Birthday

Times flies sometime. 

1 year already

Fish soup, our girl eats just about everything!

A small muffin, more for the fun of it, as the little girl do not eat sweets. 

After food we played some cards. 

Planing birthday party!

Can't belive it our little girl  it turning one in just one week. 


I am sitting and planing for the foods, and the desserts. 


We ave games, and some nice prices for the games. And very fun location with a swimming pool.
And some horse will be there for short time so the kids can ride it. 


We're thinking of having this:
Swedish Smörgåstårta

Just not to sure about the fillings. Any ideas?

Then some hot dogs. 

And now to desserts, I am not a fan of ordinary birthday cakes, as I am not a fan of cream. 

So thinking:

Snoddas

skolebröd

and cheese cake. 

As we wont give her any gift this year, I think she is to small to understand anyway. And she get this big party instead. 

As she wont understand is for her. But anyway. 

I want it to be fun and have good food and drinks!

Sooo funny!!

My Love

One thing that is the best, that is to be a mother. 

To have a life, that you have created is amazing. 

The feeling that you always wanna do better. 

To be a better person, for your baby. 

To make the world a better place, for my love. 

Because how could I not love this one to bits??

Baby Baby

Isn't just amazing, to walk with your kid on the shoulders? 

Why would I ever want to go and work, leave her in a day care and miss these kind of things?

Here we are, in she shadows!

Husbands birthday

S had a birthday, of course I had to invite some friends and celebrate him!

Lots of  food, drinks and laughter kept our guest there until early morning. 

Was so much fun!

Thank you all for finishing the food! 

Beautiful Life

Isn't just fantastic, that you can find this in the big city Prague. 

 Feels like we're out on the country side. 

Isn't life just wonderful, when we can sit like this. 

Enjoying the laste afternoon/evening in the city, in the green. 

My little girl is so enjoying it!